First of all, I love Demi Lovato’s song “Sorry, Not Sorry.” Secondly, I am sorry.
Through this journey of self-love, body positivity and self-discovery, I’ve realized a lot of things about myself, life and people around me.
Most realizations have been really positive. But there have been a few that are the opposite, that are draped in shame and discomfort. Things like that are hard to deal with, so in the past, I just didn’t. I’d push them deep down or think of something else or pretend they didn’t exist. Not exactly healthy thinking.
At this point in my journey, I’m finally ready to start owning up to the negative past or even my current behaviors.
It’s so easy and much more fun to focus on the positive aspects of change. But it’s necessary and important to focus on the negative ones if you want to grow and evolve.
I’ve done a lot of great things in my personal and professional lives so far. But I’ve also gossiped, body shamed, torn others down and more. I’ve been ashamed of that, and habits like that are hard to break. So I’ve been ignoring that part of myself who did/does those things.
But the truth is that I did/do those things. I am one person with many different facets, but one person nonetheless. It’s all on me.
I don’t like living with shame, so I’m finally doing something about it. I promise to do better. To not give my negative jealousy a voice, whether it’s out loud or in my head (which is just as toxic). To step up and be a lighthouse for myself and others instead of putting myself in a box and not venturing out.
Self-discovery is not always a fun, easy process.
It’s hard work, and it’s constant. Once you cross one hurdle, there are still so many more to go. I may never get past them all, but I have to try.
Being negative has been a safeguard for myself, a way to protect myself and justify being bullied and teased when I was younger. But bullying others, internally or externally, because people have bullied you is a vicious cycle that can’t end in positivity for anyone.
It’s really hard to break old habits, especially if they’re negative in nature. But I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about some aspects in my life, enough to finally change them.
So I’m sorry if I’ve been rude to you or let you down or underdelivered on this blog or in my real life. I know I’ve done all those things and more, so I apologize.
I’m working through a lot of things in my life, and I’m very glad and fortunate to be at this place in my journey. But it’s time to recognize all the aspects of myself, good and bad and I’m between.
Writing all this scares me and makes me uncomfortable, and that’s exactly why I’m going to post it. Being vulnerable is one of my main core values, and I really need to start living it out more.
I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m just trying to chronicle my journey and discoveries in case someone else is on a similar path so they know they’re not alone.
I can’t promise to be perfect all the time, of course, but I can promise to fully do my best to live a life of love and light and help spread that to others. That’s always been my mission, but I know I haven’t really, truly dedicated myself to it yet.
We all deserve to have wonderful lives, or at least lives without constant pain and suffering. I commit to doing my part, today and every day, to focus on the love in other people and the world around me.
