I feel like I haven’t had a lot of worthwhile things to say lately. I’ve still been going through a lot of life changes, and I’m doing my best to roll with them. I feel like there’s nothing that exciting to share, and my ego agrees, so why share anything?
I’ve been working on sharing more on my Instagram feed and stories, and I’ve really enjoyed doing that. Really, it’s the same thing I want to do on this blog, but for some reason it’s easier for me to open Instagram and start typing as opposed to opening up WordPress.
I know I’ve been holding myself back lately, and I’m calling myself and my ego out on it.
I love and miss writing so much. It’s taken a back seat to everything else going on in my life, but as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there’s never going to be a perfect time for things to settle down before diving into something new. It’s just not realistic.
So here I am, imperfect but mindful about myself and my journey.
My ego is having a hard time with this post of rambles, but my higher self says to keep going so I will.
I’ve gone through a lot of milestones lately: buying and wearing a pair of shorts, finding my self-confidence again, realizing that I want to be and do more with my writing, communicating more with my husband and the other people in my life, thinking more critically about what I’m reading/listening to and calling out triggering words when I see them, recognizing that relaxing and tuning out/shutting my brain off aren’t the same thing, etc.
Some of the milestones are bigger than others, but they’re all important on my journey. They’ve all helped shape me into who I am today.
Actually I’ve gone through a lot of breakthroughs lately. For a while there, it was one after another and it got pretty overwhelming. I feel like I’ve been broken open and had to heal or re-heal many different aspects of who I am or who I thought I was. It’s been scary as fuck at times, but now I’m grateful for all of those challenges, trials and tribulations.
Being mindful has probably been the biggest and most consistent breakthrough I’ve had recently. Everything in my life always seems to come back to that. When I feel myself freaking out and spiraling, chances are that I’m not being mindful. Usually that just means my ego is freaking the fuck out.
Oh, my ego. We’ve had a lot of discussions and even arguments lately. It thinks it knows what’s best for me, but I humbly disagree. A lot. I’ve posted about this on Instagram more, but I’m working on speaking up to my ego when it tries to take over my mind and body. It can be really hard depending on the situation, but I always feel better coming out the other side.
I used to believe my ego knew what was best for me. I let it live my life for me and keep me “protected” from getting hurt, even though I got hurt emotionally and spiritually all the time. It held me back for years, and I let it, consciously and unconsciously.
But recently I feel like I’ve been awakened. Literally. I feel like I know and feel and think things much differently than I used to. I would never have thought that unless I told my ego to sit down and take several seats.
But the thing is that you can’t just say it once. Like, “Ego, I love you for trying to protect me, but you’ve gotta stop forever. K thnx bye!” Hell no. Life would probably be easier if that were the case, but alas, no. This is something I have to battle with daily, if not several times a day.
For instance, a few nights ago I bought some new shirts and a pair of jeans at Target. I decided to document it on Instagram and in the caption, I talked about what my ego and higher self were saying to me. Even though I conquered my ego and bought the shorts and then wore them in public, I could still hear my ego saying negative things about me in the shorts. The voice was a little quieter than it had been before, but it was still there.
It might not ever go away, at least in this part of my journey, and that’s okay. Me constantly trying to overcome my ego will help build up my self-confidence that I can do that and keep doing that over and over again.
My ego told me not to publish this post because it’s rambling and no one will care. But it’s been helpful for me to get this out,so I’m going to publish it. It may be nonsense to some people, but it’s cathartic to me.
So if you’ve been battling with your ego and it seems to keep winning, take a step back. Ask yourself what you really want or need in the situation. Does your ego have a valid point, or is it just scared of your growth?
I know it’s easier to do nothing or stay trapped in how you used to do things, but is that really what’s best for you? Or is it what’s best for your scared ego?
Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash
